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Day 21 - The Journey Continues

2/25/2019

Last month, I set myself a challenge to establish a new habit of writing. Every day for the last 21 weekdays, I have gotten myself out of bed at least an hour early to sit with my notebook, a cup of coffee, and the sounds of the birds waking up to write a daily blog post on the power of habit. The writing has been challenging and fun. The getting out of bed has been a different kind of challenge. In the beginning, getting up this early was darn near impossible and I slept through my alarm more than once. If you know me, you know that I’m an “I don’t do anything before 10:00 am person.” (I normally wake up around 8:30 am. I’m also up past midnight, given my own diurnal rhythms.) I was, however, an elementary teacher who had to be alert and in a classroom at 8:00 am for 25 years, so I know I can do it. I still have to do it for three weeks every summer teaching Kodály at George Mason University. It’s just not my body’s preferred routine, and since I’ve stopped teaching full time, getting up at the crack of dawn has been a habit I have very consciously and joyfully let go.

Imagine my surprise this morning, then, when I woke up at 6:49 am ready to write. My first thought was, “I did it! I have a new habit!” My second thought was “It’s the last day, I don’t have to do this anymore!” Truth be told, I’ve enjoyed observing the quiet of a sleeping household, watching the sun rise, and putting my thoughts on paper – something I’ve not been disciplined enough to do for a long time. When I’m not rushing off to work first thing in the morning, the changing light through the trees is something truly beautiful to be able to simply sit and observe. Falling in love with early morning has been a pleasure I never expected to experience. Without a change in my morning habits in order to try something new, it never would have happened.

Here is a video I shot from my deck the other morning in the incredible mist and fog.

I hope that I have challenged you to do more exploration around the power of habit in your own lives. We looked at examples from my life about such diverse subjects as practice habits for musicians, habits of protecting ourselves from injury, how habit allows us to “multitask”, and challenged habits around cultural biases. We’ve realized that not all habits are “bad.” We’ve used the principles of Alexander Technique to help us explore the difference between reaction and response. Hopefully I’ve got you pondering that in every situation, we always have a choice in how we choose to respond. If there is anything I have learned this past month, it’s that habit is truly everywhere (for better or for worse) in all aspects of my life. This challenge has led me down some personal pathways I never expected to explore, particularly in a public forum. I’m so glad you came with me.

Many of you have asked me if I will continue writing now that this challenge is ending. The answer is yes. I will be cutting back to once a week, on Wednesdays, and I’ll be finding another topic. I’m out of ideas to write about just now, and a break is important for my creative juices and continued desire to keep blogging. I have been absolutely floored by the positive response to my writings. Thank you all for staying with me on this journey, for your interesting comments and thoughts, for sharing my work with others when it has resonated for you. I’m so glad I have something to say that many people can relate to.

I am grateful that many of you have been reading and sharing on Facebook. I’ll continue posting my blog there, but the algorithms are weird enough that you could miss a once a week post easily. I have a specific blog mailing list that I plan to keep active, as it will motivate me to keep my promise to write every Wednesday. If you didn’t subscribe and you’d like to now that things will be coming to your inbox only once a week, here’s a link to subscribe.

If you’re interested in continued examination of the power of habit in your own life, and you’d like to study with me, I’ll be offering a four session evening class called “Exploring the Power of Habit” starting on Tuesday, March 12. Class size will be limited to seven, so you’ll need to pre-register if you want to join me on this journey of self-examination. If you want to know more about the freedom and ease Alexander Technique can offer you, the power of habits in your life and how to change them, and how to live fully in your body, then this class is for you. Click the button for full details.

Exploring the Power of Habit Class Series Info

I wish you well on your journey into the very-well known habits of your lifetime!

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Day 20 - Living What I Teach

2/22/2019

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Five years ago I slipped and fell on the stairs in my house. It was midnight. Dave had left the house a few hours before to get on a plane to South Africa for a business trip. I was tired, and I came down the stairs holding my computer in one hand and a half a glass of water in the other. Before I go any further in this story, you need to see a visual of these stairs – they are a little hard to describe.

As you can see, it’s a long flight. Both the top and the bottom curve a bit so that the stair treads are uneven in size. See the basket at the bottom of the stairs, above the pile of papers? We keep the basket there (and frankly, the papers that pile up there, too) to keep anyone going down the stairs from being on that side of the steps, where they get really narrow. Five years ago there was not a banister on the wall side of the steps, either – just the long board on top of the open side to rest your hand on. Interestingly, I’d had many dreams about falling down that flight of steep steps since moving into this house.

At the time, we were getting ready to remodel our kitchen. As I kissed Dave goodbye, I promised him that I’d have most of the kitchen packed up and ready to go by the time he got back at the end of a week. Optimistically, I started the process that evening by removing artwork, which included the basket from the stairs.

So, there I was at midnight, coming down those stairs in my stocking feet. Without the basket there, sure enough, I moved toward the outside of the staircase about 3 steps from the bottom. I put a foot down, and there was nothing there but air. It was one of those moments where time stood still – I saw it all happening clearly, and in slow motion – yet there was nothing I could do other than try to keep myself from tumbling down the stairs. My legs went out from under me, and I went down hard, landing on one sit bone on the same crooked step I’d slipped off. The water in my glass went up, and right back down into the glass. I didn’t drop the computer!

I sat there for a minute or two, assessing the situation like any good Alexander Technique teacher would do. Was I breathing? Yes. Let’s calm down a bit before we try to stand up. Ok. Was there anything broken? Well, I don’t think so. My legs are fine. Then I stood up, my feet on the kitchen floor below. Wow. My pelvis hurt. A lot. I made my way to the freezer and found an ice pack and shoved it down the back of my pants. Better. What to do now? It’s after midnight. I don’t want to go to the emergency room at midnight. It’s going to be crazy over there and I just want to sleep. I know! Call the doctor now, let her know what’s going on, and then try sleeping until morning. Great plan. The doctor said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the ER now?” I told her I was going to try to sleep and see her in the morning.

It was all fine until I tried to take my pants off. I couldn’t do it. The pain was too intense. Totally in shock, I got myself slowly out to my car and drove myself to the emergency room.  Once there, I couldn’t sit down any longer, so I stood for about 90 minutes with the ice pack still in my pants until they could see me. A series of x-rays showed that I had dislocated my tailbone and fractured S3, one of the bones in the sacrum. They basically couldn’t do much for either thing, so they sent me home and gave me a prescription for painkillers. I don’t know how I did it, but I drove home. On the way I called my friend Janet, a night owl, to tell her what had happened. She said she’d rally the troops in the morning to come take care of me, and she did. Look at that – I asked for help, and within a day the word spread so quickly that friends came over from far and wide and packed my kitchen for me, in addition to feeding me and keeping me drugged and loopy until Dave got home. (After the kitchen remodel, it was such fun unpacking all those boxes that friends had packed! I had no idea where anything was. It was like a treasure hunt.) You can imagine Dave’s dismay at getting this news upon landing in South Africa 20 hours later. Poor guy. He did cut his trip shorter than originally planned to get home again.

The recovery from this particular injury was longer and harder than any other injury I’ve had, and I couldn’t do it alone. I was in PT for months. I found a chiropractor up in Virginia who finally figured out that my spine completely jammed upwards when I landed, taking all my organs with it. He relocated my tailbone for me, ending months of pain. My pelvic floor was locked and a PT specialist released that. A craniosacral therapist friend helped me realign my sphenoid and the bones on the roof of my mouth.  I am so grateful to each and every one of those healers, and others who tried to help me along the way. It was a good three years before I started to feel like myself, and just 6 months ago I went back to a challenging fitness class in the gym for the first time. In all of that recovery period, I had to use every resource I had as an Alexander Teacher to learn to trust my body again. It was a revelation to have an Alexander Lesson a year after the injury and have the teacher show me that I still wasn’t sitting fully on my sit bones.

I’ve had my fair share of injuries in this lifetime, and I know what it feels like to not trust parts of your own body to work again. I know what it’s like to experience fear, and to not believe your physical therapist when they tell you that you have your range of motion back. And so one of the things I specialize in and enjoy most is working with people after they have finished their PT.  I love to help people come to grips with those fears, to understand their initial reaction of holding and gripping, and then to learn to thank that for showing up and let it go. It brings me great joy to assist people in their self-discovery and to be with them to witness their pleasure in finding themselves whole again.

When considering types of bodywork, most people begin by looking for help that gives them a one-time "fix" and sends them on their way.  You have the choice to instead ask for help from someone who can meet you gently where you are now, and through the process give you back the gift of your whole self. You won’t just heal - you will grow.With Alexander Technique you will, like me, learn the tools to understand the power of habit in your life.

Thanks to the interest in this blog series, I’ve decided to offer an evening class called “Exploring the Power of Habit.” Class size will be limited, so you’ll need to pre-register if you want to join me on this journey of self-examination. If you want to know more about the freedom and ease Alexander Technique can offer you, the power of habits in your life and how to change them, and how to live fully in your body, then this class is for you. Click the button for full details.

Exploring the Power of Habit Class Information

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Day 19 - The Nature of the Spiral

2/21/2019

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One of the things I most love about the Alexander Technique is the spiraling nature of what it has to teach me. I circle around my habits, over and over, but each time a little differently, a little deeper, with a little more clarity. This is the gift and the curse of spiral education. Nothing ever disappears, it just comes back in another form.

A lot of my professional development days as an elementary school music teacher found me sitting around a table with my colleagues, bored out of my gourd as they discussed yet another way to teach math. The professional days I most enjoyed were the ones on educational theory, because there was something that suited the analysis geek in me and gave me something that I could actually apply to what I taught. Over the years there were a number of methodologies – 4-MAT, Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, etc. – that all talked about the power of the spiral in education. In the Kodály world we talk about it, too – we see the same children in our music classes every year until they leave our school, and we work our way around the same concepts on a deeper level each time. This spiraling methodology makes so much sense to me, and the day I saw it in Alexander Technique, I got even more excited about it.

In Day 11 of this blog series, I talked about transition and reinvention in my own life as being times when it was easy to let go of old habits and start over. These moments are dramatic and few, and in them, it feels to me like anything is possible. Here’s the trick, however – once I settle in to my new life, home, position, whatever, how do I keep my old habits and behavior patterns from coming around that spiral once more and settling back gently into my life? I’ve also talked a lot about self-worth. If you’re a person like me who will very easily fall into “I’m not good enough,” then how do we stop that negative thought pattern from creeping back into our lives?

Spiraling DNA strands in the human body

In my personal experience, this is where the genius of the Alexander Technique has come in to the rescue. Do you remember those old cartoons where Bugs Bunny would have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, trying to tell him different things to do? I often have the feeling that there are a couple of significant people sitting on my shoulder whispering things into my ears. “That’s too hard, why would you do that? You might fail.” “Be careful! If you do that (exciting new thing, move in the gym) you might get hurt.” Periodically, my grandmother arrives and says “What did you do to your hair?”

Here’s what I do when these lovely people and thought patterns arise. I go back to the basics of Alexander Technique. 1) Awareness – who are these people, and why are they showing up right now? What am I doing in my body in response? 2) Pausing – Okay, let’s put the pause button on those thoughts they’re sending into my ear, and really see if what they are telling me is valid. Do I have another choice? (Remember, we always have another choice.) I’m going to let go of any physical responses I noticed – tension, pulling down, and just be here for a minute. 3) Directions –Habits of protection (you’ll get hurt!) usually show up in situations that at one time or another might have caused me injury, like all my shoulder dislocations. Then, I needed them to keep me safe. It’s okay that they showed up, but just now I don’t need them anymore. My first response in directions will be to kindly thank these thought people for wanting to take care of me. Then I show them a little love and send them on their way. As far as habitual thoughts of not measuring up, well, I really don’t need them anymore. I know in my heart that what they are telling me is not true. So those, I just shoo away. Then, I attend to myself. Is my neck free? Can I think “up” right now? Am I breathing?

Habits, whether in thinking patterns or in physical body patterns, have a way of coming back into our lives. Just when I think my habit of bringing my head forward towards the computer screen or the piano music is gone, I catch myself there in the middle of work. The spiral in action here is that I no longer put my nose on the keyboard, it’s more like I just start to feel the strain in my trapezius muscle and then I realize my head is not balanced over my spine. So this habit is more subtle each time it returns, yet my own level of education about it is deeper so I can catch it more quickly than I used to. This is a lifelong challenge for me that is probably not going to go away, but I can continue to refine my awareness, pausing and my response so that I catch it earlier and earlier each time it spirals back.

Conch shells spiraling in nature.

If you’re wondering how I’m able to sense these habitual patterns and then correct them, it’s because of all the Alexander lessons I have taken over the last 27 years. The gentle hands of many teachers have helped me to understand where “neutral” is on the continuums inside my body, and at this point, I know how to get there on my own. I also have had enough practice with the thinking patterns that are the most significant parts of AT to allow them to be habitual. All I have to do is pause, and ask myself to start finding an awareness of what is bothering me, and off I go into my three steps.

If you’re just starting your Alexander journey, playing around with awareness, pausing and directions on your own is a great way to start – but without the hands, eyes and skills of a teacher to help you find balance, poise and ease in your own body, you won’t get very far. Alexander Technique is not only mental, and not only physical. It’s been called Psychophysical for a good reason – it involves using our whole selves, bringing us back to the present moment, being embodied.

If you’re looking for a teacher in the Atlanta GA area, I’d be happy to help you start down the road of your Alexander journey.

What patterns of habits return over and over in your life?
Are they different now than they were ten years ago? If so, how?
Are you ready to start your Alexander journey?

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Day 18 - Going Gluten Free

2/20/2019

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Harriette said, “Seriously, Robbin, have you thought about giving up gluten? Wheat gluten is just like glue that gums up your joints.”

It was the fall of 2012, and Harriette and I were sitting in her living room. Her kitchen had just been certified as a gluten free commercial kitchen, and she’d brought me over her not only to show me what she was doing, but also to try to get me to listen to the message she’d been hinting at with me for months.

I saw Harriette sporadically, usually at dance weekends where her catering business, True Color Cooking, provided us delicious meals with many dietary options. Since she only saw me once in a while, Harriette was the perfect person to notice the physical changes I was going through.

In the last year or two I had started putting on weight. This was fairly unusual for me – I had always kept my weight steady in the upper 130s. At this point I had ballooned up to 163 lbs and I weighed more than during my pregnancy. Nothing I did seemed to help. I was also having intense gas and bloating every afternoon. It got worse if I took a nap, which I seemed to be doing often. I looked exhausted, and I was. Harriette couldn’t help but see all of that.

The most frightening part of this was the swelling and arthritis pain in my hands. I couldn’t bend my right thumb at the first joint more than about a quarter of an inch. As a person who literally works with her hands, I had already become scared enough to go to a rheumatologist the January before.

That doctor tested me for every autoimmune disease possible. RA, Lupus, MS, Lime… all the big ones came back (thankfully) normal. Since he couldn’t figure out what it was, the doctor diagnosed me as having psoriatic arthritis without psoriasis because there was actually no test available for that. He put me on methyltrexate, a chemotherapy drug often used to treat RA. The side effects included exhaustion. I began sleeping about 12 -18 hours a day.

By the time I saw Harriette that fall, I had never felt worse in my life. And still, I didn’t really want to listen to what she was telling me. I loved bread. I ate a bagel every day for breakfast. I craved pastries, and cookies. Life without wheat was unimaginable. I actually believe now that I was addicted to carbohydrates and sugar. I am basically not an addictive type. Drugs, alcohol, clove cigarettes – I was a casual user in my younger life. I never felt the need to continue with any of it. The only other thing I can get very hooked on is coffee, and I’ve been on and off of that more times that I can count for my own health. At this point I actually didn’t see or understand the wheat and sugar cravings I was having. Harriette started to open my eyes. Still, I said to myself, maybe there was something to what she was saying, but let’s try all this other stuff first. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

By Christmastime I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I made an appointment with a new, highly rated rheumatologist for the beginning of February. And on New Year’s Eve, bloated and sick and unable to fit in my dress I’d planned to wear, I decided that my New Year’s resolution was going to be to give up gluten.

My wonderful new doctor, Teresa Lawrence-Ford, said she’d heard about gluten intolerance (that was a new thing in 2012 – it was celiac or nothing in the medical establishment) and that the only way to find out if I had celiac was to go back on all that food I’d given up and then have an endoscopy. So, I went on my “Farewell to Gluten” tour. I had Krispy Kremes, and poppyseed scones and hamentashen, and bagels, and rolls…. And within a week I was SO sick that I never wanted to eat any of them ever again.

I had the endoscopy, I didn’t have celiac, either. Dr Lawrence-Ford looked at me and said, “Robbin, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” She began the process of weaning me off all that medication I didn’t need, and within about 3 months of giving up wheat I started losing weight and feeling like myself again.

It was a long road back to health, working with Dr Lawrence-Ford, dietary doctors and integrated medicine physicians to help cure my leaky gut and make sure I was eating what my body needed. But I now remain within my normal weight range, I feel better, and my arthritis bothers me very little.

In terms of giving up an addictive habit, I don’t think there’s anything to do other than go cold turkey, as hard and unpleasant as that is. When my body craved bread, I had to learn to find ways to pause and listen to what else my body might like to eat that would be healthier for me. I also had to learn to say “no” to myself. Now, I’ll never go back to eating wheat. We’ll probably never know if it’s gluten itself, the protein gliadin created by hybridization of wheat, or side effects of pesticides, but whatever it is, I don’t need it in my body.

My healing here was both physical and mental. I wasn’t crazy, I was really sick. I had to be my own body detective to figure it out, and then find the right doctors to help me. I will always be grateful to Harriette for opening up my eyes and suggesting what turned out to be my solution.

Have you had to address habits that are harming you?
How did you do it?
Have you considered becoming your own “Body Detective?”

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Day 17 - The Dreaded Question

2/19/2019

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“So, what is the Alexander Technique?”

Ah, the dreaded question. There I am, having a lovely conversation with a stranger, and they ask me what I do for a living, and I tell them, and then…. That Question.

Alexander Technique teachers spend hours trying to craft their individual “elevator speech” – that magical, one sentence habitual answer that will sum up what we do. In fact, I once went to an entire class on it at Sweetbriar, led by Michael Fredrick. A group of about 60 teachers and trainees went at trying to craft a single definition that suited everyone in the room. Abject failure. I wrote down a bunch of things that people said that resonated with me at the time. I read them over recently, and none of them do the trick for me today.

In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, here are my short rote speeches about several of the other things I do:

“The Kodály Method is a Hungarian system of music education that uses folk music to teach children music literacy.”

Boom. Clear. Understandable. If that’s all that people want to know, we’re done.

“Contra dance is a form of social dance from New England, where you and your partner travel together up and down a long line of partners. Eventually you dance with everyone else in the line as well as your partner.  It’s a lot of fun, you should try it sometime!”

(More questions usually follow, but they’re easy to answer.)

“I teach piano lessons to people from 4 to 80 years old. I use an approach that reflects my years teaching Kodály and Music Learning Theory, and I adapt this using a wide variety of materials. I love teaching beginners – it’s never too late to start.”

(Leads usually to “What is Kodály and/or Music Learning Theory”, but that’s ok. See Kodály definition above.)

At this point, those answers practically pop out of my mouth when someone asks what I do. I don’t have to think much about them, and they make sense to people.

I believe that Alexander Technique is much more difficult to describe, because it is a technique, not a curriculum. It’s also a life-long learning, as opposed to a 3 summer certification course or a Master’s Degree. When I graduated with a Master’s in Kodály, I was young and still learning, but I was considered an “expert” in my field. When I graduated from Alexander Technique teacher training in midlife, I was a “beginning teacher.” It took about five years before I really felt that I knew what I was talking about and that my internal assessments of students are usually accurate.

Music education methodology, contra dance and piano lessons are specific things that people choose to learn.  Alexander Technique is nebulous, since as a technique it can be applied to anything else you choose to learn about, including my other three areas above. This, I believe, is the heart of the problem. It’s much easier to define a specific curriculum than to define a technique which helps you to do virtually anything more easily.

I can hear other Alexander Technique teachers arguing with me now, saying “But there is a set of directions! Let your neck be free, let your head go forward and up, let the rest of your spine release in sequence, knees forward and away.” Well, yes.
I was trained, however, to apply the Technique in activity – which is more than just getting in and out of a chair, although I can (and do) teach that, too.  So applying those directions, or, better, adaptingthose directions to someone’s choice of activity (which can vary from lesson to lesson) means that the directions I help them with change from lesson to lesson as well. Of course, always, neck free, head forward and up. But then…. choices present themselves.

I don’t want to get too esoteric here, because I’m primarily writing for people who are not Alexander Teachers. If you want to discuss this further, send me an email!

So, at this point, you’re probably wondering “Well, Robbin, what IS your definition of the Alexander Technique.” My answer is that it varies depending on who I am talking to. If I sense that someone is asking to be polite and that they are not at all interested, my answer is different than if someone seems genuinely curious. I can say that my definition always includes the words “ease and comfort in your daily activities” sometimes includes “restoring your natural poise and grace”, and almost never includes “posture.”

I hope that if you’ve been reading all of these blog posts – we’re up to #17 today! – you’ll have a sense of what I think the Alexander Technique is all about, at least as it relates to the Power of Habit in our lives. Which, fundamentally, is also what it’s all about – a technique to assist us in letting go of habits that no longer serve us. It’s an un-doing, rather than a doing more.

Even as a teacher, I’m still figuring out what the Alexander Technique is all about. My ideas keep expanding, kind of like the universe. I don’t expect that to stop, so my definition will never be habitual. It will continue to evolve and grow through the next decades of my life. I hope that’s a satisfactory answer, at least for today.

Do you have a habitual “elevator speech” to explain what you do for a living?
Is what you do for a living easy to define?
If not, what approach do you take to try to explain it?

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Day 16 - The Proverbial Onion

2/18/2019

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Have you ever heard a process compared to “peeling an onion?” This phrase comes up often in Alexander Technique studies in reference to the releasing of old habits and what you find lurking underneath. In fact, every time I’m in the kitchen chopping onions, I think about it.

I don’t peel actual onions very often, at least not beyond the outer brown layers of skin. I do chop a lot of them by hand. I learned a few years ago that if you cut off the top and the bottom of the onion, then lay one of the flat sides down and slice the entire onion in half, it’s a lot easier to get the last of those thin, tough brown layers off. Once I’ve done that, I can also see the core of the onion and decide whether or not to use it – if it’s an old onion, sometimes it is yellow-green in there as the core tries once again to send a shoot out into the world. We can’t stop growth.

An onion is a great metaphor for habitual behavior, as well as for truth telling. The armor we put on to the world, that thick brown skin, protects what is soft and vulnerable and makes us cry on the inside. It’s the peeling down, down, down and the stripping away of what no longer serves us that brings us to our own core beliefs, and from here we can opt for new growth.

Almost 12 years ago, I left my Baltimore suburban neighborhood of exclusively middle class whites and moved to the largest upper middle class African-American community in the Atlanta metro area. Moving here opened my eyes (and eventually my heart) to a completely different cultural experience. I had never considered myself a racist, but it turns out on some deep levels I was. Growing up in the north in a New York suburb, white folks told countless ethnic jokes. I can remember my grandparents using some horrible ethnic slurs referring to people of other races and ethnicities. I also remember telling them why this wasn’t appropriate. I was, however, exposed to all of this as if it were normal. Judging only by what I see on Facebook, a lot of my high school acquaintances still think it is both acceptable and ok to put that stuff out there, in print, for the universe to validate.

My first few months in Atlanta just going into my local Target challenged every deep-seated cultural norm I had. I was often the only white person in the store, which was an eye-opener to what it feels like to be in the minority. Occasionally, initially, I felt fearful. That wore off pretty quickly – this is, after all, an upper middle class neighborhood. We don’t have a lot of crime here. My neighbors are good, upstanding citizens who want a safe place to raise their children. Amen for common ground. I do remember that for the first few months I couldn’t understand a single thing store clerks said to me. A lot of that was the southern accent. It took a while for my ears to attune to the softness of the language here, to peel off that first layer of armor and to learn how to listen.

There’s a hair or weaving salon in every shopping center here, which initially made me curious. I learned why by listening to my female neighbors talk about the amount of time they have to spend on hair (and nails.) I’ll just say that the majority of white women have no idea what our black sisters go through, and leave it at that. (FYI - If you want some good insights into the African-American female mindset about a lot more than hair, tune your device into “Red Table” sometime. It’s an unflinching education.)

I had to get honest with my habitual white-person-thinking about African-American culture, face my personal unfounded fears, open myself to listening, and learn to trust my neighbors. And the rewards for this have been (surprisingly) warm acceptance in my community, a few highly valued friendships, and the most honest, deep conversations about race I’ve had in my life.

None of this would have happened without pausing, without suspending judgment and losing assumptions, without stripping off layers of myself that were preventing me from facing my underlying unconscious racism, and above all, without real listening. I don’t pretend to be perfect. Of course I can’t viscerally understand the deep wounds of another culture. What I can do is listen without judging, be a witness, ask honest questions, and maybe open the door a crack further to seeing our shared humanity while celebrating our differences. Have I reached the core of this particular onion? Not by a long shot. New shoots of growth are emerging, however. I couldn’t stop them if I tried.

Do you find yourself reacting habitually to people of another culture?
For better or for worse, do you make assumptions about race?
What personal “onion” are you peeling in your own life?

After writing this, I checked my email and read my daily "Note from the Universe." There are no coincidences, so I'm sharing it with you.

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Day 15 - Traveling to Compromise

2/15/2019

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A year before Dave and I got married, we got very close to calling it off.  We had an enormous fight one day while traveling that turned out to be a defining, line-in-the-sand, watershed moment for both of us. I had just finished up directing Family Week at Pinewoods Camp, and I was tired and still functioning in “Administrator Mode” which is Dave’s least favorite way to interact with me because I am in charge.
(Can’t say as I blame him, but hey, I’m grateful I can go there when I need to.)

We left camp on Saturday and were driving our musician friend Laura to a meditation center on our way up to Vermont for a few days of vacation. Laura had a deadline time by which she had to arrive for orientation, and we were going to arrive pretty close to that time. Dave was driving. At some point on Route 2 I fell asleep. Dave (as is his wont, but I didn’t know that then) saw a sign for 2A and veered off. About 30 minutes later I woke up and realized we were on the wrong road. I freaked out. Laura freaked out. We all freaked out. Great way to get her started on a mediation week, huh? We did get her there, she was just on time, and I mostly held it together until Dave and I were on our way again.

We had an “emergency” destination that I had set up at a friend’s house in Marlborough, which was quite a drive from there.  It was apple season, and Dave thought we might find a hotel on the way up the road – but, as it turned out, everything was booked solid.  At this point, I was tired, hungry, not happy that Dave had not planned ahead and made a reservation, and we basically grumped at each other all the way to Marlborough. Thankfully my friend was out of town, because when we got there, we had the biggest fight of our relationship (and that’s to date… it’s never been that bad again.)

Obviously we worked it out, and here we are. We found out the beginnings of a significant difference that day in our travel styles, which may have been the largest area of habit changing and compromise for both of us in our marriage.

If you haven’t figured it out yet – I like to know where I’m going, when I will arrive, and to have a room reservation ready for me when I get there. I buy tickets in advance to make sure they’re available.  If I change my mind and don’t get to where I thought I was going on a road trip, well, I’ll change that reservation to something closer.  But I have a bed waiting for me.  It may have something to do with a drive out one evening when I was little looking for deer along the Palisades Parkway – I remember sobbing in the backseat saying “I don’t want to get lost in the forest! I don’t want to end up like Hansel and Gretel!”  My parents really couldn’t figure that one out, but I knew – I wanted the security of my bed. Right now.

Dave, on the other hand, is Mr Spontaneity when it comes to travel.  Room reservation? What for? We might decide to veer off on this road over here and then we wouldn’t get there. Who knows what we might find? Let’s go!  (OMG.)

Not really fully understanding these differences, I put him in charge of our honeymoon. To his credit, he did make room reservations in Italy. We missed the Uffizi Museum, however, because we didn’t purchase tickets months in advance. On the other hand, we lucked into an evening free tour of Michelangelo’s David by walking down the street after dinner. People were in line, we asked why, we got in.

Dave and I on our honeymoon in Umbria.

Fast forward a few years into our marriage, and we were both well aware of what behavior patterns around travel made each of us the most comfortable. Finally, in a non-charged conversation one evening about a long road trip a couple of months away, we were able to work out a compromise. On the way to our destination, I had calling gigs and times to be in particular places. So we decided that the leg out on the trip would be “Robbin Style” – I would plan it, we would go to where I’d planned, I wouldn’t be nervous or worried about being places on time, and Dave would smile and be accepting of whatever happened. On the way home, we’d do it “Dave Style” – no reservations, no complaining about taking off on a side road, just see what happens. He promised me there would be no sleeping in the car, no matter what.

This required that we each let go of our habits around travel style and that we learn to trust the other’s way of doing things. It also required a lot of being in the moment and Alexandrian inhibition. It was our most successful vacation at that point in our marriage. It was fun for both of us. We learned. We grew more accepting of each other’s needs. We became closer when we didn’t need to be “right.”

It’s funny, but since then, we haven’t had the need to completely define a trip as being half one style and half the other. Dave knows that if we have a destination and a time to be there, we’re traveling “Robbin Style.” I know that if we have a week somewhere to just enjoy, we’re traveling “Dave Style”. And we both compromise before, during and after mostly without arguing about it.

When you have a significant difference with your partner, are you able to compromise?
How do you let go of fear-based habits to see that you have a choice?
What is your most comfortable travel style?

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Day 14 - The Power of Choice

2/13/2019

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Life, to me, has been a long series of choices. Sometimes they’ve been good, sometimes not so much. But every single thing that has happened to me has involved a choice. Even when I was small enough that my parents thought they were deciding for me, ultimately, I had some say in the matter.

Last week I was watching a very unhappy little girl in the airport, and praying that she wouldn’t be on my plane. She was screaming and crying at the top of her lungs in the waiting area for over 15 minutes. On the one hand, I was surprised that her parents let it go on for so long without intervention. On the other, my immediate thought was – I bet they didn’t give her a choice. Her very public tantrum was her way of having some say in the matter.

Not that we can give children choices about getting on airplanes, but we can offer them choices in a lot of other things. When Anne was small she went through a period of existing on Mac and Cheese. We wanted her to eat some vegetables, so every day we gave her a choice. ‘You can eat frozen peas, or you can eat carrots with your meal.’ That gave her some small measure of control. We didn’t offer her a choice to noteat vegetables. People like choice. Frankly, I didn’t care if she ate frozen peas every day for the rest of her 3-year-old life – she was eating a vegetable and that was a small victory.

At some point in time, most of us stop thinking we have choices about things. We “have to do this” for work by a certain time. We have all kinds of deadlines, some of them self-imposed. We stay in dead-end jobs because we think change would be more difficult. We accept physical limitations and aches and pains as the cost of living. We have ways that we habitually react to people, and that’s just where we go. In relationships we develop “buttons”, which our partners can push easily to get a reaction out of us. The idea of choice, freeing as it is, disappears out of our lives unless we’re on vacation. When choice starts to feel like a gift, friends, we’re out of balance.

During that time in my life when I began to recognize the abundance available to me out in the world, the idea of choice was a revelation. I hadn’t realized there could be a difference between a reaction (ie a startle, a strong emotion) and a response. Wait – I could sense my reaction, and then choose a different response? Somewhere along the way a friend emailed me this piece from Ralph Marston, which changed my life, quite literally.

You Choose the Response

Choose your response.  Nothing is inherently annoying, yet you can choose to be annoyed by just about anything. Similarly, no situation is inherently embarrassing, or stressful, or frustrating.  Embarrassment, stress and frustration are some of the many ways in which you can choose to respond.

Keep in mind that your response to any situation is always your choice.  After all, it's you doing the responding.  And it is in your best interest to choose wisely.  Those who consistently respond with anger or envy, annoyance or frustration will reap the bitter rewards of those bitter responses. Yet when you choose to respond with understanding, with patience, with confidence and courage, the rewards will be far sweeter.

The situation does not determine the response.  You determine your response.  In every moment, in every circumstance, you can choose the response that will move your life positively forward.  As such, nothing can bring you down unless you choose to be brought down.  Nothing can annoy you, or frustrate you, or keep you dismayed.

You always have the choice to respond in the best and most positive way.  Each time you choose your own positive, creative, empowering response, whatever the situation may be,
you move yourself and the whole world forward.
-  Ralph Marston

I had it hanging over my desk at work, where I sat and read it once a day. Really read it. Thought about it. And when the lawyer would email about divorce proceedings, I’d go read it before I responded. Or before that teacher I had difficulty with brought her class to the music room. I made a conscious choice to respond differently to her, with abundance, with joy.

This is now the approach I take to teaching the Alexander Technique as well. You always have choices available to you – FM Alexander called them “directions”. You can continue hanging out in your habitual slump, or you can choose to allow your head to rest gently on top of your spine. You can think up through the crown of your head, and suddenly find yourself with room to breathe. You can lengthen and widen across your back, and your front.

The power of choice is always available to you. The key is to pause, to notice, to consider what choices you have in any situation. My Alexander training opened the door to living as a unified person – body, mind and spirit – whenever I choose to do so.

Next time you think you have no choices available, just stop. Pause.
Notice your initial reaction - does that have to be your response?
Allow your mind to consider any other possibilities that might exist.
Play with how it might feel to make a different choice.
What will you choose now?

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Day 13 - Understanding Self-Worth

2/13/2019

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I processed many things while I sat and stared out that window into the woods in 2007. Among them were pretty serious questions of self-worth that were going to impact anything I wanted to do moving forward, particularly when it came to going into business for myself for the first time.

If you’ve been reading this series along with me, you have probably noticed that self-worth (or lack thereof) has been an underlying theme in many of these stories. Starting from the time I was small, I was always trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. I was never good enough, no matter how good I was.  A quick illustration which may seem silly, but it isn’t – before I saw my grandmother (my mother’s mom, who was hypercritical of everything and everyone) I would either take pains to fix my hair nicely, or, as an adult, get a haircut before I went to see her. It didn’t matter. “What have you done to your hair??” was inevitably the response. It got to be a joke among the rest of us, but it really wasn’t funny at all. When I married my first husband, I married my grandmother. The wearing down of my self-worth continued and intensified for seventeen years. I was in a marriage where I felt unworthy – nothing I did was good enough, or “right” enough. On the other hand, I continued to have professional success, serving on national boards of music education groups, traveling all over the US presenting workshops, and teaching at Kodály summer training programs in St. Louis and Baltimore.  This disconnect began to wear on me – how was it possible that I could be so capable professionally and such a “bad” person in my own home? My professional success became the lifeline that pulled me through this time, even when I came to wonder how it was possible.

The scars of that first half of my life came with me to Atlanta, despite years of counseling. As I sat and processed, I came to know definitively that unless I released the behavior patterns in myself that I had set up to deflect praise, to always apologize for things whether they were my fault or not, and to not really hear the good things that people said about me, that I would not be able to succeed in opening my own business.

The mental power of habit here, in my own experience, was stronger than any physical habits I had worked to change previously. And if you saw the photo of me slumping with my head forward last week, you know that changing that to the woman you see today was formidable.

Dave, my husband, has been a huge help to me here. He has set himself up in my life as the Apology Police. While it sometimes drives me crazy, I really do appreciate having someone to remind me that I have no reason to apologize when something is not my fault. Periodically I still slip into this old habit, and I’ve come to realize it’s when I’m not feeling very good about myself.  I’ve also come to realize that apologizing for nothing makes me feel worse.  When the habit does come back to me, I pause, I ask myself why I made the choice to apologize. And then I take it back, or explain what I really meant. When I’m on top of my Alexander game, I can even pause beforethe apology comes out of my mouth. I have to take a step back and consciously apply the tools of Alexander Technique in order to release this habitual pattern again and again. Maybe someday it will finally be gone.

Back in the day when I was teaching school, at the end of concerts or musicals that I had directed parents and colleagues would usually come up and congratulate me on a job well done. I had a hard time hearing this. My pattern was to deflect the praise on to the students. “Oh, the children did such an excellent job, didn’t they?” I told myself I was being modest. In reality, I know now that I just couldn’t hear that kind of effusive praise and believe it was about me.  Now, I listen. I take in the praise at the end of gig. I pause. I look people in the eye, and I say a sincere “Thank you. That means a lot.” Because it does.

The last concert I conducted as director of my Children's Choir.

Learning to love myself, to know that I am worthy of praise, acceptance and love from others, has been a significant part of my Alexander journey. Without it, I wouldn’t have had the confidence in my abilities to go into my own business. Within a year of that phone call from Lisa looking for an Alexander teacher, I was renting space hourly at the Decatur Healing Arts Studio. Three years later, I was doing well enough to rent my own studio space monthly. Now, I teach as many piano students as Alexander students, and my clients run the age spectrum from 4 to 80.

I love what I do. I have the freedom to pursue all the things that make me happy. If you look at my website, (www.robbinlmarcus.com) you’ll see that I teach Alexander Technique, I still direct and teach folk song materials in the Kodály teacher training program at George Mason University, I teach piano lessons, I call contra dances, I play in 3 dance bands, and I travel the US giving workshops in both music education and Alexander Technique, sometimes at the same time. Choosing to do what I love has turned work into play. Having a belief in my own self-worth has made it all possible.

Are you struggling with self-worth?
Do you believe you are worthy of praise and love?
Are you ready to begin your personal Alexander Technique journey?

Folk Music Materials Class in the Summer Kodaly Program at George Mason University.

Our Summer Kodaly Program website is up and running for July 2019! Come and join us in Virginia for Kodaly certification, or our new hybrid Master's Degree Program.

Ready to start your Alexander Technique Journey?

Come in and see me at the Decatur Healing Arts Annex Studio, 627 H East College Ave, Decatur, GA.
Give me a call at 678-720-8717, or send me an email:
[email protected]

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Day 12 - Changes, Transitions, and Re-inventions

2/12/2019

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Change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. Transition is the inner reorientation that you have to go through in order to incorporate changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t “take.”

-William Bridges, Managing Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes

I was never getting married again. Ever. I’d just finally gotten through the name change on all my documents and was trying to figure out what an appropriate last name might be that would make me happy. I talked to a psychic, who didn’t like any of the choices I’d come up with, and whose final word was “something will appear.” That something, it turns out, was Dave Marcus.

Life is full of changes, for better or for worse. Nothing ever stands still. The current of living enters you at birth, and down the stream you float – sometimes on your back enjoying the view, and sometimes sputtering for air with your face in the water. But you can’t stop the river.

I talked a lot in Day 11 about loss, and the transitions and changes it brings. For me, there have been other transitions that I have looked at a bit more positively, as times when I could literally reinvent myself, lose some old patterns that friends and family relationships locked me into, and start living a more authentic life. I can count three of these in my lifetime thus far – two when I was fairly young, and one much more recently. These are times when anything is possible. They are exciting, a little scary and loaded with potential for good. I remember them all vividly.

The first of those times came when I left home for college. If you knew me in high school, you know that I was a “good girl” by the standards of that day. I got good grades. I made all my curfews. My parents trusted me. I drank (who didn’t with a drinking age of 18?) but I never drove drunk. I did an excellent job of living up to expectations. I also appeared happy, all the time. Most of the time I was happy, but when my long-term boyfriend broke up with me a month before the prom (I was on the prom committee) I was miserable. I remember a day of crying in the choir room. My dear friend Bruce walked in, and said “Robbin, why are you crying? You don’t cry. You’re always happy!” I thought, “My God, really?” I wanted to punch him. I wanted to get out of there. I wanted space to be my authentic self.

I went far away to college, where I knew no one. I didn’t find this scary. College was simply great. Being hours away from home for the first time, having freedom to do things that I wanted for myself, dating wonderful boys who did not live up to parental expectations – it was all quite freeing and I saw it as an opportunity to re-invent myself. Hey, I could be a person with real feelings! I worked very hard to lose my habit of always responding with a smile. I made real and genuine friends. I allowed myself to experiment with all the things I felt I could never do at home, and picked and chose which ones suited me. I grew.

As time went on in Indiana, however, different habitual behaviors slowly crept in. I discovered a very bitchy side of my self I didn’t particularly like, but had a hard time controlling. I tried hard to change someone else I loved dearly without working on changing myself, and broke both our hearts in the process. I didn’t really have a whole lot more self-knowledge than I had in high school, although I was figuring out what I stood for in the world. At the end of those 4 years of learning and growing and heartbreak and understanding my place in the world, I was ready to leave for my next adventure.

During my Master’s program in California, I was so busy keeping up with all the experienced teachers around me that I spent little time on self-development. It was an intense year of learning academically and not taking very good care of myself. Then came the call with a job offer in Baltimore, and “Reinvent Robbin - Round 2” began.

Once again, I moved to a place where I knew no one. I had the chance to establish a professional identity for myself for the first time. I let go of college habits that no longer served me, like partying early and often. I also let go of my piano practice habit for the first time in my life. Wow. I could go to work, come home and not play piano. That was very freeing as well. I found Contra Dance, Morris Dance and English Dance. I had not seen myself as a dancer since ballet lessons as a child. I discovered that I loved dance, and I was good at it. My new hobby firmly established itself and I grew to be a mainstay of the folk community. I married. I had a child. I stayed in my same job for 25 years, where by the end I didn’t even need to write new lesson plans – I just used the ones from the years before. I’ve talked a lot about this time in my life and have little to add, other than as a result of the years of counseling I sought, my spiritual community and my discovery of Alexander Technique, I started to become my most authentic self. By the time I met Dave Marcus, I knew who I was, what I liked, and how I wanted to be in the world. Moving to Atlanta, Georgia was never in my plans, and neither was getting married again.

Well, people make plans, and God laughs.

From the moment we met, which entailed a huge past life recognition of each other and instant connection, it was all over. I was head over heels in love with this guy inside of a month. “Can’t we just move in together?” “No,” said Dave, “because someone will run.” So after a slow, careful, three-year courtship, we bit the bullet and got married, for better or for worse. And for many, many reasons, I moved to Atlanta.

Reinvention #3! Yesterday I talked about all the transitions I went through at this time – I wrapped up my job, my daughter went off to college, I was Family Week Director for CDSS at Pinewoods, I planned a wedding. And that was just 2007. Between 2004 and 2007, I buried my grandfather, I got my Alexander Technique certificate, I began AT teaching in my home, I started the Kodály at George Mason University graduate school program. It was pretty crazy. So when it all ended and I moved to Atlanta, I sat and stared out the window at our beautiful woods for six months.

I had many questions. What had I done? What was I going to do now? Who was I going to be this time? Was I ever going to get out of this chair? How long was it going to take me to unpack a tractor trailer full of moving boxes? How was I going to move into someone else’s house and make it mine, too? Who was this guy I married? I was so stymied that it was months of processing before I got bored. Dave got concerned. I told him not to worry, I knew what I was doing and I needed time to do it. I am eternally grateful that he gave me the gift of that time to just “be.”

Somewhere in there I joined Facebook, and put up a website saying that I was an Alexander Technique teacher. One day, out of the blue, the phone rang. It was a lovely woman who was enquiring about AT lessons. Who, me? Why, sure, I guess? Can I teach at your house? That was the start of emerging from the cocoon I’d created around myself and starting to find community and purpose here in Atlanta.

I’m very glad that I used my Alexander skills to take the time I needed, without guilt or shame, to process this huge transition. By the time Lisa called me, I was ready for everything that is my life now to unfold.

How do you see change and transition in your life?
Does the quote at the start of the article resonate for you?
What old habits and behavior patterns would you let go if you could start all over?

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Robbin Marcus

An occasional post from me, about stuff that interests me.

2024 blog selections: Resistance

2023 blog series:
Slow Forward

2020 blog series:
1) Processing - Experience, Thought, Action
2) Diving for Light - Shedding light on a dark time

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Robbin Marcus

2019 blog series: Exploring the Power of Habit

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2019 blog series:
Exploring the Power of Habit