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Diving for Light, Day 10 - Choosing Growth

4/3/2020

Choose to allow what you go through to fuel your growth rather than stunt it.
- Cleo Wade, Heart Talk

I find myself paying a lot more attention to the news these days than I usually do. Each day I begin again, anxious, curious, hopeful - waiting for new information about COVID-19. This is not the way I prefer to live my life. I generally ignore television news whenever possible, but during this crisis information seems to change so quickly, hour to hour, even, that I am pulled in.

My reaction to the news comes deep from within my limbic system. The immediate reaction is dependent upon two things: 1) whether the news is good or bad, and 2) the stage of grief I find myself in. Regarding COVID-19, I feel as if I have personally moved through Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, and am squarely into Anger and Bargaining. In this stage, my inner judge rules supreme. Last night on Facebook I found myself calling a local politician an “idiot” for his slow response in shutting down our state. More than once.

My inner judge, Seymour. Nasty guy.

Judgement is a place my emotional system once called “home.” Time in therapy has taught me that this is a very unhealthy, miserable place to live. My Alexander Technique training has given me the skills to not dwell there anymore.

So, instead of labeling this politician in the way that I did, there were other choices available. Let’s walk through that. (Humor me, it’s going to help me to write it down.)

Here’s the timeline:

News received - State shutting down, but only for 10 days
Habitual gut reaction activated - He’s an idiot! (only in my head, not shared aloud)
PAUSE. - This is the step I missed last night. When we pause Alexandrian “inhibition” gets to take over. I can sit instead in non-judgement of my reaction, and just be with that feeling of anger. Where did that come from? Why am I angry? Is it about this action, or is it something deeper that I’m responding to? What are my options for responding?
Conscious Response - Now I can choose from a plethora of options to this situation. I can go ahead and write on Facebook that he’s an idiot. I can say that I think he made a bad choice to wait so long. I can empathize with him and the pressure he’s under. Maybe there are other options as well - the longer I pause, the more of them I can see.

This morning I still think this politician made a mistake in waiting so long to shut down the state. A ten-day order is not long enough and will require extensions and more news conferences. I’m annoyed by his choices on a lot of things, we have different political views and, I don’t like the way he’s governing. But all of that is different than calling him an “idiot.” I’ve never met the man, I’m sure he’s reasonably intelligent. I believe he has pressures I can hardly understand to keep our state open for business.

My response to any situation, any time, gives me the opportunity to fuel my own growth or to stunt it. By shutting down my mind and heart and calling someone a name, I stunted a learning opportunity. Thanks for helping me think it through this morning.

Recently our whole country has lived in Anger and Bargaining with a strong dose of Denial. The first 4 lower stages of grief are what have been running the world. Now, a lot of us are living in Depression. That’s ok. We can sit with any of these stages, just be with ourselves, not judging, not beating ourselves up for wearing pajamas all day. Then, we have the opportunity to work through our collective grief and come out on the other side, with acceptance of whatever our new “normal” turns out to be. Stress reveals truth. We have the opportunity to learn some new truths about ourselves, to become better people, because of this experience. What will you choose?

Exercise to try:
Opportunities in Choice

Turn on the TV news later today and watch the top story.
Notice your gut reaction to the story as the anchor is speaking.
When the story finishes, turn off the television.
In your journal, write down the outline of the story and your habitual reaction.
Then, pause.

Make a list of all the potential responses to that story that arose as you paused. See your options.

Choose a response to the story that allows you to fuel your own growth.
Write that down. Live it in real time.
Try this for a few days, then see what happens.

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Diving for Light, Day 9 - The Wisdom of Darkness

4/2/2020

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Some beauty can only be seen in darkness.
Some music can only be heard in darkness.
Some problems can only be solved in darkness.
There is a necessary darkness that assists all of life
in the growing process. - Macrina Wiederkehr, The Flowing Grace of Now

Right now, in my basement, under a set a grow lights, is a beautiful collection of seedlings getting ready to be put into the ground. They range from lettuce and spinach, which are just about ready to go outside, to warmer weather veggies like tomatoes, okra and eggplant.
My pepper and okra plants are little miracles. These were in seed packages labeled as far back as 2017. And yet, they grow here in 2020. So much energy in these tiny vehicles of life once they are placed into the darkness.

I’m getting excited about putting them all outside, but I know I need to be patient. As tiny as they are right now, they’d be prey to slugs and snails, or bunnies and chipmunks. I need to nurture them in the relative darkness and warmth of my home a bit longer, then gradually get them used to being outside before putting them in the earth. Eventually my vegetable garden will feed us this summer, returning the energy back to the seeds for another cycle of birth, growth and death.

These seeds mirror my emotional state. Some days I feel plunged into darkness, into despair. On those difficult days I must force myself outside, into the light of day, where I know I immediately feel better - just as my seeds need the light of the grow lamp to grow healthy and strong. Other days I recognize the darkness for what it is - a gestation, a waiting, a time when something new will be born.

What will our world on the other side of Coronavirus look like? Will we go back to “business as usual?” I hope not. I hope that we are all making lasting connections with the natural world in this time. I hope that we all see her recovering, resetting, without our pollution and cars and interference. I hope we do a better job of respecting that. I hope we find a world where corporations are no longer people, where we care for the environment and for ourselves, where working a 60-hour week is no longer “normal.” As an individual, I can hope here alone in the darkness. Later on, in the light of a new day, we must all choose to make a difference together.

Exercise to Try:
From Seed to Plant - (adapted Authentic Movement by Robbin Marcus)

Go to a room where you have plenty of space for movement, removing any obstacles you might bump into. Plan at least 10 minutes to fully experience this exercise. You may want a journal to write about your experience afterward. If you have someone at home who would be willing to witness you (i.e. keep you safe as you move with eyes closed), invite them to join you. You can switch places at the end of the exercise if you’d each like a turn.

Lie down on the floor in the middle of the room. Close your eyes as you curl up tightly in a ball. Visualize yourself, a seed, in the darkness of the soil. Stay with yourself. See what you notice about being a seed.

Now imagine that you are slowly sending out a shoot here, a root there.
As you feel the urge to move, go with it. Don’t watch yourself, be with yourself as you experience whatever comes to you.
See yourself growing very gradually towards the light. Allow yourself to open up in your body. Eventually, you may find yourself upright and on your feet. When that has happened or simply when you are ready, gently open your eyes.

What did you learn about being alone in the darkness?
What happened as you grew?
What’s happening now?

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Diving for Light Day 8 - Sticking with Uncertainty

4/1/2020

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I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.
-C. JoyBell C., The Sun is Snowing

Photo credit, Dave Marcus

I admit it, I’m a person who likes certainty. I like having parameters. As a teacher, I work best when I can give my students a solid framework. We can go outside the box as often as we like, as long as we know where the box is and why it’s there.

Knowing what things are and why they are there gives order to my universe. I’m not change-averse, but I’m also not terribly spontaneous. Ask Dave about traveling with me. I’ve moved around a fair bit in my life (from house to house if not city to city) and I like that kind of change. Moving takes planning, it’s seldom spontaneous, and there’s plenty of time to work out the details. I’ve moved for work, I’ve moved for love, I’ve moved for both a growing and a shrinking family. The hardest move I ever made was leaving Baltimore, a city where I spent the most significant years of my adult life.

In that move to Atlanta, I knew where I was going, and why. But every single other thing was a mystery yet to be uncovered. I didn’t know what I might do, or where I’d do it. I didn’t know who would become my friends. The uncertainty of that situation was quite intimidating, but I held on, I didn’t panic, I got the knack of flying into that wind. Right now, I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

In the larger world, we are all facing complete uncertainty. Not only do we not know if life will ever seem ‘normal’ again, we don’t know who will live or die. We don’t know if we’ll ever go back to our jobs, or if our kids will go back to school before next fall. We don’t know if this virus will subside with warmer weather. We truly are “suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight.”

All I can offer you is the wisdom gained from my previous experiences with uncertainty. If all we do is sit and worry and watch the news, we'll be stuck in Anxiety Land. We must learn to “force our wings to unravel and begin our flight.” What that looks like for you, I cannot say.

Here’s another quote from Pema Chodron that sums up what it looks like for me.

Sticking with uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic---this is the spiritual path.
-Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart

Remember, the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. Where will the winds carry you?

Suggestion: If you have not read Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, this is a very good time to take the plunge. Or, if that’s an old friend, try Comfortable with Uncertainty. Both of these books are talismans for me in times of uncertainty, grief and fear.

Exercise to Try:
Radical Self Care
One of the best ways to calm our minds is to bring ourselves back into our bodies. This is one of the great truths from the Alexander Technique. In a time where we are desperately lacking human touch, here’s a way to take care of that need and take care of your soul as well.

Take a grooming activity that you do every day - brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, washing your face, putting on lotion - you choose.
Now, do that activity for yourself as if you were doing it for someone else you love.
Remember how it felt when your mother brushed your hair, or your lover applied lotion to your skin. Treat yourself with loving kindness. Take your time and allow yourself to experience the sensation of being touched.

What if we did that for ourselves every day?

Are you trying these daily exercises? How are they working for you? Which ones do you like best? I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a line and let me know, or put it in the comments below.

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Forward>>

Robbin Marcus

A new 21 weekday blog series on Slow Forward - gentleness with myself - will begin on Monday, February 5, 2023
Sign up on the 2/2/2023 post to receive it daily in your email.

An occasional post from me, about stuff that interests me.

2023 blog series:
Slow Forward

2020 blog series:
1) Processing - Experience, Thought, Action
2) Diving for Light - Shedding light on a dark time

Diving for Light, Day 10 - Choosing Growth

Diving for Light, Day 9 - The Wisdom of Darkness

Diving for Light Day 8 - Sticking with Uncertainty

Robbin Marcus

2019 blog series: Exploring the Power of Habit

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2019 blog series:
Exploring the Power of Habit