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Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t pay attention to that.
Don’t stick out.
Don’t cross the tracks.
Don’t point out the obvious.
Don’t say that out loud.
Don’t embarrass me.
Don’t talk about sex, drugs or rock and roll in polite company.
It’s ok to have an opinion - but keep it to yourself.
It’s ok to have interracial friends, but don’t be seen out with just one or people will think you’re on a date.
It’s ok to be smart, but don’t be different.
In my family, in my little hometown, these were the things that were said and unsaid over and over to children in the 60s and 70s. These were the “Don’ts” that shaped me.
In our little suburban cookie cutter houses, with our moms in identical aprons holding their own cookie cutters, cookie children were stamped out in the same mold. Don’t be different.
On the other hand, people in my town talked freely about their prejudices. Ethnic slurs and jokes were a dime a dozen. These were the days of Archie Bunker, and if you’ve watched All in the Family re-runs lately you may wonder as I did how this ever, ever got on television. A slap on the back, a hearty laugh between friends, and the Wop and the Jew went off feeling pretty good about their identity and their place in the societal hierarchy. Maybe. At least those of us with white privilege thought so in the 70s.
No one talked about how that felt. Heaven forbid anyone should talk about their feelings. Don't say that out loud.
Don’t pay attention to that.
Don’t stick out.
Don’t cross the tracks.
Don’t point out the obvious.
Don’t say that out loud.
Don’t embarrass me.
Don’t talk about sex, drugs or rock and roll in polite company.
It’s ok to have an opinion - but keep it to yourself.
It’s ok to have interracial friends, but don’t be seen out with just one or people will think you’re on a date.
It’s ok to be smart, but don’t be different.
In my family, in my little hometown, these were the things that were said and unsaid over and over to children in the 60s and 70s. These were the “Don’ts” that shaped me.
In our little suburban cookie cutter houses, with our moms in identical aprons holding their own cookie cutters, cookie children were stamped out in the same mold. Don’t be different.
On the other hand, people in my town talked freely about their prejudices. Ethnic slurs and jokes were a dime a dozen. These were the days of Archie Bunker, and if you’ve watched All in the Family re-runs lately you may wonder as I did how this ever, ever got on television. A slap on the back, a hearty laugh between friends, and the Wop and the Jew went off feeling pretty good about their identity and their place in the societal hierarchy. Maybe. At least those of us with white privilege thought so in the 70s.
No one talked about how that felt. Heaven forbid anyone should talk about their feelings. Don't say that out loud.
I couldn’t wait to get out of there, and neither could most of my friends. Those who could ran away to college and never went back. We live all over the US now.
It’s taken years of processing my upbringing to let go of the things that didn’t serve me, didn’t help me, didn’t make me a better person, didn’t allow me to be in my own integrity with the world. I worked very, very hard not to bring this set of insidious “Don’ts” and prejudiced "Dos" into my own parenting. I’m sure I brought others. “Dos” and “Don’ts” are how we create a culture and a community. In the not-so United States, we really, really like the neat box of Us versus Them.
It seems to me that this a dialogue Americans badly need to have. Do we accept the beliefs, prejudices and assumptions about Others that are handed to us at birth? Do we question them instead? What would happen if we did? What if we all just paused and sat with these things out in the light for a little while?
Do you recognize the “Don’ts” that shaped you?
"Rock the Boat" by the Hues Corporation - the message was even over the airwaves.
It’s taken years of processing my upbringing to let go of the things that didn’t serve me, didn’t help me, didn’t make me a better person, didn’t allow me to be in my own integrity with the world. I worked very, very hard not to bring this set of insidious “Don’ts” and prejudiced "Dos" into my own parenting. I’m sure I brought others. “Dos” and “Don’ts” are how we create a culture and a community. In the not-so United States, we really, really like the neat box of Us versus Them.
It seems to me that this a dialogue Americans badly need to have. Do we accept the beliefs, prejudices and assumptions about Others that are handed to us at birth? Do we question them instead? What would happen if we did? What if we all just paused and sat with these things out in the light for a little while?
Do you recognize the “Don’ts” that shaped you?
"Rock the Boat" by the Hues Corporation - the message was even over the airwaves.
1 Comments
Culture and community are important to my life. I always go and talk to the people and I love learning all sorts of things. If I can go and talk to them a lot more, then believe me, it will become the best thing in the world. I hope that we can start talking to people a lot more, it will make the world a lot better. It will be easier for us to live life with both culture and community.